Chapter 3: I Really Looooove Muscles

“Kimachi Sayuri. High school girl[1]♥”

The headmistress who, no matter how you looked at it, was about to enter her 30’s, declared so with a simple-minded smile on her face.

She’s a ‘Boke’ that’s going to be a pain to deal with.

…Currently, I was inside the headmistress’ office.

It was a dignified and elegant room; decorated with all intertwining white, gold, and dark grey, it dazzled my eyes.

And the suited-up woman who’d been waiting for me in there was the headmistress.

With her soft and comfortable aura, she felt more like a kindergarten teacher than a headmistress. However, she emitted an overall— almost otherworldly— grace, that let me ascertain the difference in our upbringing.

A very beautiful person.

But: definitely close to her thirties.

“…………”

In this situation, the Tsukommi in me was on hiatus, so I couldn’t come up with anything.

“Oi ・Oi ♪”

The headmistress Tsukommi’d herself. With a cute gesture, she put her hand out slightly. Up to that point, she had been going on by herself.

“And, Kagurazaka-kun?”

She continued talking as if nothing had happened.

“It looks like Miyuki-chan’s methods were a tad over-the-top. Please forgive us, okay?”

Miyuki-chan—— the Kujou-san who had kidnapped me, was currently on standby next to the headmistress.

“Originally, Miyuki-chan was supposed to meet Kagurazaka-kun by herself, give you a proper explanation of our situation here, and then invite you.”

“Eh?!”

Then what the heck was that terrorist assault and the personal trauma I experienced in the car about?!

“She tends to get uneasy when she goes out alone.”

I don’t recall Miyuki-chan being scared at all.

“If so, then why in the world did you take an army with you?!”

“Miyuki-chan, please apologize to Kagurazaka-kun, okay?”

Kujou-san turned towards me and slowly lowered her head, saying:

“I sincerely apologize for my misconduct.”

……Tch.

Huh? Did she just click her tongue?

“T-That aside, what situation are you talking about?! Why have you dragged me here?!”

“I was going to give an explanation of it just now, so please quiet down, himote[2].”

“Himote?!”

“I beg your pardon. It was a slip of the tongue.”

“First off, explain to me how that ‘slip of the tongue’ came to be!”

*Hair flick* “According to our data, you have no experience with the opposite sex.”

……Damnit!!

“I also have a study here which suggests that the number of girls who have feelings for you is zero.”

“Waaaah?!”

“Miyuki-chan, what’s a ‘himote’?”

“The term ‘himote’ is a word that originated in the early 2000’s on 2c**n and is an internet term meaning——”

“Stop it already! Explanation! You were going to explain the circumstances of this place to me! Right?!”

Towards my entreaty, Kujou-san heaved a heavy sigh as if she was doing me a favor——

“This is Seikain Girls’ School. We take care of the daughters of various renowned families. An educational institution which upholds tradition and social standards to transform young women into splendid Yamato Nadeshikos.”

She explained.

“In this secluded place, we are given the responsibility to bring those young ladies up with a pure mind, etiquette, and a refinement befitting their social position.”

…So to say, an ojou-sama school.

“It’s a special place with a long history and is obscured from the general public.”

“Obscured… it’s kept a secret? Why?”

Kujou-san sighed bluntly.

“What?!”

“Nothing at all.”

That felt really bad. Why would she do that?

“We have to protect our students from the inquisitive eyes of society as well as criminals who are out to kidnap them. In order to prevent that, this place was built on a solitary island surrounded by mountains. Also, thanks to government cooperation, this place does not appear on any public map. All geographical information, including internet services, are being manipulated.”

“Government…?”

“It’s due to the parents of our numerous renowned families enforcing their influences. Isn’t it obvious?”

Kujou-san said immediately.

“There are several locations in this country that aren’t on any map, but we’re the only school among them.”

The headmistress said, almost as if she was talking about a pet she was proud of…

Manipulating Google Maps… isn’t that a bit too amazing?

“This is a school for renowned families by renowned families. A place that could certainly be called a ‘modern day aristocratic school’.”

Kujou-san said with a proud look on her face.

“In a place that can’t be reached by the world in its entirety, young ladies, who have been under supervision since childhood, conform to tradition and are carefully raised. Transforming them into pure and splendid Yamato Nadeshikos and then letting them leave the nest is the goal of this school.”

“…………”

I had the hunch that I was seeing—— a completely different world.

This room as well was totally different from anything I had seen before, its high class and dignity were blinding; it was another reality. That’s the kind of feeling it had to it. This is what they call elite, huh…

“Why… am I in this kinda place…?”

Kujou-san took my question on:

“Naturally, men are prohibited. Everyone, including the staff, is female. There had never been any exceptions.”

Past tense…?

Thereupon, the headmistress and Kujou-san exchanged glances with mixed expressions.

“In recent years, a certain problem surfaced.”

“Problem?”

“Yes.”

Kujou-san nodded with a serious expression.

“More and more cases have emerged where our graduates were overwhelmed by the differences in the outside world. They became hikikomoris, and succumbed to online video games.”

They had broken down.

“Among them had been a young lady who established the supercomputer Fuji II, which was used exclusively for online games.”

“What are you doing, ojou-sama?!”

“This served as a starting point for other young ladies to also build supercomputers and it developed into a specification war where our graduates competed for the highest benchmarks.”

“The industry has made great profits, you know, Miyuki-chan?”

“That’s the sole relief.”

“THAT AIN’T NO RELIEF! PEOPLE COMPETING OVER SOME BENCHMARKS AREN’T EVEN OJOU-SAMAS YOU’D EXPECT IN A BUTLER CAFÉ ANYMORE!”

“We uneasily watched our many graduates turning into people beyond return (from the internet), and thus decided to alter this school’s curriculum. For example, the university department for seniors had the idea to change the contents of the ‘Graduation Practice ~First television viewing~’ from ‘Okaa-san to *sho’ to the radical ‘Pytha*ra Switch’[3]. However, some said ‘Isn’t Pyt*agora Switch going a bit too far?’ and differing opinions emerged which created a divide between the members.”

“We even started to use the ‘Precure’ homepage for internet practice as a graduation curriculum, things like that, you know?”

“Headmistress. This reminds me that a problem has come to light with the users of that homepage’s forum.”

“Oh dear, what’s happened?”

“Stop! There’s too many things to Tsukkomi to!”

“These days, the gap between the outside world and Seikain has become too big, hasn’t it?”

The headmistress nonchalantly said.

Following up on what they’ve just said, have the ojou-samas here never even TV or used the internet before?

I’ve come to an amazing place… I shuddered once again.

“——And as a part of the revisioning, you were summoned, too.”

“Me…?”

Kaijou-san nodded.

“After graduation, although they may be young maiden’s raised in the upper echelons, the world they go out to is one that they haven’t had any experience with. To avoid a serious shock at that time, it is imperative that they grow ‘immune’ to it.”

“On the other hand, if we overdo it we get our priorities backwards, right?”

“For this reason, we’ve discussed the best method to overcome the problems at hand. While keeping the traditions of this school in mind, we wondered how much change we could allow for the utmost betterment of the students. Hence…”

“We decided to invite one person from the masses.”

The headmistress took over.

“Getting a chance to talk about the world and studying together, ‘Isn’t that just the best way for them to get used to the real world?’ or so we thought. And if it’s with a guy, then that’s killing two birds with one stone♪”

“Also, having an extremely low immunity to the opposite sex caused occasional problems. In order to settle that issue…”

She pointed at me.

“You were selected to be our school’s—— [Commoner Sample].”

“…………”

…So far, I understood their reasoning.

“But why me…?”

“‘Kagurazaka Kimito. Born October 6th. Age 15. First-year at a public high school.’”

She started reading out loud from a file she had brought with her from somewhere.

“‘Entrance Examination results were roughly average. Other entries on this are also average. Hobby is cooking and has a diligent nature. Known as an obliging person, and in middle school received the nickname ‘Sebastian’.’”

Uwa, they seriously investigated me.

“‘His scores from evaluating his virtues as a [commoner] make him eligible to be a sample. And above all else—— he possesses one overwhelmingly excellent trait that the other contenders lacked.’”

Eh? Do I really have something like that?

“‘That is…’”

W-What could it be… (waku~waku[4])

“‘He is attracted to men.’”

“Wha—?!”

“In addition, he feels no sexual arousal from anything besides macho bodies, a so-called muscle fetish. He is a serious homose——”

“HOLD IIIIIIIIIIT!!”

“What is it?”

“WHO ARE YOU SAYING HAS A MUSCLE FETISH?!”

“Am I mistaken?”

“Just what made you think that?!”

“‘Does not have any contact with women on a regular basis and always spends time together with men.’”

“…Don’t make those assumptions from just that!!”

“The deciding factor was the testimony of your childhood friend Hanae Eri. A maid disguised as a student confirmed your orientation with a, ‘Yep. Sure is,’ from her.”

“This dam—!”

“I was mistaken when I called you a himote earlier. I have to correct myself, allow me to apologize.”

“Don’t do that!!”

I refuted her with all my strength.

“In any case, it’s a misunderstanding!!”

“…So you’re saying this ‘muscle fetish’ part is a mistake then?”

“That’s right!”

“So when I supplied you with a macho man to relieve some of the stress of the sudden travel, that was a mistake?”

“So that was the reasoning behind that torture?!”

“…That’s not good.”

The headmistress’ face darkened.

“Yes. This is an exceedingly grave state of affairs.”

“…What’s the matter?”

“Kagurazaka-sama. We’ve given sufficient explanation that this is a special girls school, correct?”

“Yeah… I don’t mind to leave, of course. Rather, I’d like to go home as quickly as——”

“If you don’t have a muscles fetish, then we will either have to make you live on another ‘not appearing on any map’ place for the rest of your life in order to protect the secrecy of this school, or, if you wish to stay here instead, we must protect the chastity of the young ladies and cut off your—”

“I REALLY LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MUSCLES!!”

“Hearing that gives me peace of mind.”

“How fortunate that Kagurazaka-kun likes men.”

“You are mistaken, Headmistress. He loves macho men. He’s limited to muscles only.”

…It’s been a while since I’ve really wanted to cry.

“Ah, by the way, Kagurazaka-kun, your transfer here’s already done, okay?”

“A member of our staff has also explained everything to your family. As compensation, your house will receive a large scale renovation.”

“Looks like your bath will be turned into an outdoor hot spring. Isn’t that nice?”

…It’s not nice at all!!

I can’t even go in there!!

 

Translator notes and references

[1]Parody of “Seventeen Year Old Religion”, founded by a famous voice actress Inoue Kikuko, the religion only admits followers who are over 17 years and 156 months old (meaning 30 years old). A follower always introduces themselves as “seventeen years old.”
[2]A term certain Japanese men give themselves, basically means ‘unpopular’ with the opposite sex.
[3]Japanese TV shows for children, Okaa-san to Issho & Pythagora Switch.
[4]Onomatopaeia for excitement/heart thumping.