Aww yeah, today be that school holiday.
On this pa-ti-cu-ar-ly beautiful day, I done call over a broad to my crib to keep me promise with Akiko.
Jinno: “Daaang. Ain’t this dem nostalgic shit? For real fa real~”
A MILF be parkin her sweet ass at dem gates and checkin out the two story building with glitterin eyes. Her name be Jinno Kaoruko-san, but I’d call her Fine.
She be sportin a childish face that ain’t lettin her years on, a warm smile, and serious, drooping eyes that I wanna see looking into mine when I get some jizz inside that, bro. This be my editor.
Jinno: “I had ‘em feelin this place finna be broken down as fuck, but it holdin up like my dream man. Imma fine gettin crunk here, for real.”
Akito: “No noes, quites a few part is the showing age, aren’t they? Well, soon I get an contractor fixing here.”
Jinno: “These shacks be breakin down fast as dey did in Hiroshima. And daaamn nigga, yo face gone scare Godzilla, you know? You done get fucked up.”
Akito: “Hm, is that the so? But no, nothing of sorts.”
Jinno: “You be playin me. You be them professional author, so you best be fixing to manage your health. If you ain’t aware of that Imma fuck you up… Who dat hoe over there?”
Akito: “Yes, that are my little sister… Hey, Akiko, come this place.”
My little sister be standing in that doorway, and she done a good job of gettin her ass over here real quick.
Akiko: “…I am Himenokouji Akiko. Words cannot express my gratitude that God has guided us to this meeting.”
Jinno: “I be Jinno Kaoruko. Real nigga whassup?”
They introduced themselves. Unlike Jinno-san, who smiled warm as sunshine, Akiko had a sassy look, though Akiko knew better than to start some shit. They shook hands, and might I add I’d join in the shake as well, but it ain’t gonna be my hand they be holding. Anyway, things were real chill right about now.
Now let me explain how things got to this point.
Jinno-san had rung us up some time ago, and Akiko had greeted her real polite.
Jinno-san asked Akito if I had been getting some.
Akiko flipped out real good, and demanded an explanation from me. I tried to explain, but she got all bossy and ordered me to prove my innocence. Now I ain’t the kinda guy to take no backtalk from a woman, but I also be known a scholah learned in History. I aint gonna be no Suzuki Kantaro who got Hiroshima and Nagasaki fucked up cause he ignore them white folk’s warning. And damn, Akiko’s face had Uranium-314159 written all over it.
So I done cordially invite that broad to my crib on this pa-ti-cu-ar-ly fine day.
Akito: “Well, I’m truly, super the sorry, Jinno-san. It must being your highest precious day off.”
Jinno: “No no, don‘t be getting your panties all honkered up. This is sweet timing for me. I was wondering ‘damn there aint no shit to do here,’ earlier, and if this opportunity hadn’t show up I’d have motherfucking nuthin to do for real.”
Akito: “Ah, thank you. The ability of hearing that puts me the ease… With that said, I just curiosity about something your say faster back in time.”
Akito: “The fast back in time when you were talking, it sounded like you has connected to this dormitories. Am I tricking mine’s imagination?”
Jinno: “…What you say?”
Akito: “Ams I’s trickerings mine’s imaginationings.”
Jinno: “Sweet Jesus, chill with that wacky talk. I ain’t finna understand though I’m an editor. But nah, it ain’t your imagination.”
Jinno-san nodded, smiling. But dang, she be tellin me to cut out my speaking style? She just be jelly. My daddy always be telling me that he knew many a fine scholah, and that the better the scholah, the more creative his jabberin be, and the less this jabber be understood. I be then thinking with Jinno bein an editor ‘n all, we could hadda sum real philosophizing. Amen.
But dang, girl. She got guts for telling me to lower my language to suit her ignorant. She went there. Dang. Muthafuckin dang. I ain’t gone let a woman tell a man what to do, but Imma lower my dic-tion a bit cause Imma real gentleman for real fa real.
Jinno: “I mean, Imma an alumni of St. Liliana Academy.”
Akito: “Eh? Are that rights? This first time I hear all these while.”
Jinno: “Really, huh? I hadn’t mentioned it, now that I think about it.”
Akito: “Jesus’s Christ, please telling me stuffs like that. After all, if you had we would has been able talks about all kinder of thing.”
Jinno: “I lived in this here dorm three years. Was pretty tight.”
If that be true why didn’t she say it earlier?! Maybe she kept it secret to surprise me later. Maybe? Nah, don’t feel like it at all. Maybe she just forgot … No I come up with nuthin. Yeah. I never get her tempo. But man, I got no complaints bout a wild girl that keeps you on your toes. And dat smart mouth of hers. Always tellin me off in my novels and in conversation. A man’s gotta like that. Makes you wanna train that mouth to treat you right. You feel me, bro?
But don’t get me wrong. I ain’t got no intention of cheatin on my girl. I might do wid them flirtin and feeling, but it’s chill long as I don’t cross any lines. It’s somethin my daddy said few years ago that I ain’t gone forget. One time he be copped waiter’s shacks a good feel, and I done told him he was cheatin on momma. He smacked my derriere right and said:
‘Son, it ain’t gone matter where you work up an appetite so long as you be comin home for dinner. Now they gotta children discount, so you be telling that waiter over there you twelve.’
‘But dad, I fourteens.’
‘Nigger, you twelve if you gonna eat.’
But I digress.
Jinno: “But daaang, bro. I was your partner in your old job, and I being your senpai from the same school and dorm too. Imma enjoy relentlessly training you from now on, Akito-kun. I look forward to working wicchu.”
Akito: “Ah, thankings. Likewise, my anticipation and I are look forwarding to work with your.”
As Jinno-san bowed her head down to me, I also lowered my head to her. Her dic-tion be a little whack, but damn, I don’t mind if she lower her head some more and give me junior some of that ‘relentless training.’ Or a few whacks. Again I digress.
Akiko: “Muu….I cannot withhold my grave concern.”
That’s how my other junior reacted when she looked at Jinno-san.
Akiko: “It appears they are rather close. I must also confess that which my senses so irrefutably decree, and my heart so tremulously denies: she is cute. The danger she presents is not to be lightly appraised. Not only is she a rare beauty, she also possesses that tender, kind nature that appeals so terribly to males. Men have a heart resembling a stone fortress, which is unyielding to the assault of armies and the thunder of our Lord Almighty, forbidding entry to all invasions at the cost of mere cracks; yet to the gentle, innocent flow of water it permits entry, allowing it to seep from the cracks into the inner recesses of the heart. So it is that [forgot his name lol]’s armor could not be pried by the thousands of spears and arrows on the battlefield, but on his marriage bed, at his women’s gentle caress, his armor folded, pliable as a lily, his heart then pierced by his love and her blade. So indeed, Jinno-san is formidable… This is troublesome.”
She seemed rather confuzzled about various things, I be thinkin to myself.
Jinno: “Yo, Akiko-san.”
With that, Jinno-san cranked up the conversation.
Jinno: “I’ve been meanin to have a chat with you. Today I do fulfill this desire. This shit is tight.”
Akiko: “I see. I express my gratitude that you value my presence so highly. Now let us both offer a prayer of thanks to the Lord that your desire has—”
Jinno: “And you know? After meeting, there’s somethin I gotta talk to you about.”
Akiko: “Pray tell.”
She be gulpin and swallowin a deep, thick breath and openin that smart mouth of hers again:
Jinno: “Akito-kun is messed up, yo. He ain’t got his shit together and is putting me through hell~!”
This bitch be shouting with more might than the curb job I now had half a mind of giving her.
Akiko: “Perhaps Akito-san has indeed sinned. But prior to that, let us offer the Lord a Prayer of Thanks for our meeting.”
“Really, I ain’t messin, Akito-kun is one fucked up worker.”
“Praise be the Lord, our God—”
“Even if I ask him all polite, ‘Please finish your work by today,’ he never finishes! A woman can’t take a man like that.”
“Praise be the innocent, chaste, Virgin Mary, from whose mouth comes the sweetest, purest words—”
“And the fucker will say things like, ‘Don’t worries, I’ll having it the finished by that days withouts fails!’ while grinning like he banging the Virgin Mary, but —”
“Thank you for allowing our meeting—”
“when the day comes, he ain’t done finish after all! And then—”
“—when I check out his work, he’ll only have one damned page — no, not even that, he won’t have progressed splat~!”
“Forgive us our sins, and—”
“He’s a newcomer! A newcomer who, if he be chaffing off effort, he done be tossed aside deftly as an aborted little motherfucker. He better get his shit together.”
“…And forgive the niggers who interrupt our prayer.”
“If only Akito-kun be more reliable a man, I ain’t need to get a talkin from them company president every time. What you think about this?! Akiko-san~!”
“I do find your words rather disturbing.”
Though Jinno Kaoruko-san be angry, she got no fire under her grill. She got a reputation like that. The other day Joe be telling me he got Jinno pinned in his low rider and she don’t say nuthin even tho she don’t want his smelly ass all over her. But still, you could tell she was flippin out over this. I know cuase I get Jinno.
But Akiko don’t get Jinno like I do, so she looked confused as a polar bear swimmin in the sun. Whenever Akiko don’t get it she starts fingering her rosary to beseech the Lord for answers. She been moving her fingers across those beads like pro. She been doin that since I told her that fingering the beady place would be good stress relief.
By the way, I wanted to keep my work (I’m a light novel author for now) on the down low. I don’t need my sister getting all holy on my writing, bro. You feel me? But I don’t know if I can trust Jinno. She’s flipping her shit now.
Jinno: “Now you listen good, Akiko.”
Jinno: “You best make sure your brother get his act together! Or my manager will take my head (unless i give him he—)”
Akiko: “Now, I must interject. It seems the conversation is heading towards a rather—”
Akito: “My apologies. My sister didn’t mean to head you off.”
Jinno went on like a deaf bitch.
Jinno: “I be crying in front of my ancestors! Turn Akito-kun into a serious, full fledged member of society. Anything is fine!”
Akiko: “My, did you say, ‘Anything?’ ”
My sisters eye’s lit up like a dragon that saw fried tofu.
Akiko: “Allow me to confirm this for the omniscient Lord: my dear brother acted in a manner which did not recommend himself to your superiors, so you, in all your beneficence, wish for my aid to rehabilitate him, and your compassionate desire extends so magnificently far that you impose no restrictions on the means to which this end is accomplished?”
Jinno: “Jackpot, bitch!!”
Akiko: “Indeed! So only the Lord’s commandments restrict my freedom to act?!”
Jinno: “The cops might be the more important factor, but whatever floats your boat, girl.”
Oi oi, are you okay Jinno-san? The fuck you doin here, you crazy ass woman? You’re handing me off to that kinky nun. Don’t be surprised when everything goes to shit.
Akiko: “I understand, leave it up to me.”
See, I’m fucked. Just like I said, see? Akiko looks like she’s gonna ram her Jesus cross up my posterior at any moment.
Akiko: “Indeed, as God himself has witnessed, my brother’s superior has repented before us this evening (albeit she was repenting her fate for being inflicted with the travesty that is my honorable brother), following which she humbly submitted a petition for my aid. I, sister Himenokouji Akiko, who must only have the Lord, our Savior, in my heart, cannot permit this sinner’s plea to fall on deaf ears any longer!”
Jinno: “Uh, you go girl! We’ll fuck this guy up~!”
Akiko: “Please rest easy. God will surely open my dear brother’s eyes. And indeed, I already have a lovely idea!”
Akiko: “With pleasure. It is operation ‘Induce-my-brother-to-fall-in-love-with-my-tantalizingly-illegally-delicious-underage-body-and-then-use-the-physical-pleasures-of-the-body-to-open-my-dear-brother-to-the-blissful-pleasures-of-the-spirit.’ ”
Jinno: “…The fuck you talkin about.”
Akiko: “My dear brother has been blinded by the devil, and I fear no ordinary preaching shall uncover his eyes. He does not see the angels whose figures elude every man in existence, and so he cannot, by witnessing God’s grace, acquire faith. But if he were to revere a representative of God, such as a nun, who is the instrument of God’s teachings, then perhaps through that instrument he could relieve the flow of his ignorance, and pluck sweet nectar from the flower of faith. It would already be a miracle if my brother loved me more than he did now, and should God grace us with one miracle, we can use it to our advantage, and enact another.
Akiko: “I am quite pleased with my plan. As they say, simpler solutions yield more favorable results. There is a certain beauty to concise language, and indeed, the brevity with which I have expressed myself should be sufficient evidence of my expertise, for that which he best understands can be imparted in the least number of words.”
Jinno: “… ? …”
Akiko: “From this point forth, I declare, with the Archangel as my witnesses, that I will spare no effort to ensure my dear brother witnesses the holy light. Now his eyes are only attuned to the secular waves of Satan, but he must lift his eyes to the Glory of the Lord, our God. In the material realm, not every orifice responds pleasurably to the touch and joining of the sensual organs. We might extend this to body parts as well. I have not once heard of a man who possesses a fetish for the kneecap, nor have I heard of a woman who wishes to be penetrated through her pancreas. But of the soul, every part quivers in bliss upon receiving the blessings of the Lord. It is nourishment that quenches a thirst far beyond the reaches of the pleasures of the flesh. Once my dear brother becomes a faithful member of the flock, he shall see why no priest seeks satisfaction of the sexual kind; it is because the faithful already receive ample satisfaction from heaven. OH INDEED THE ANGELS SHALL CARESS OUR BODIES GENTLY BEFORE SEVERELY PLUNGING GOD’S GRACE INTO EVERY FIBER OF OUR BEING. GOD WILL REAM YOUR PANCREAS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.”
Akiko: “So that I may be the guide who enlightens him to the path of the holy follower, I must first see that he climbs from the pit of celibacy into my chaste embrace. I must caress him lovingly, as God would caress his soul; I must receive him impartially, without complaint, without restraint, as God would receive him. It is my duty to shine the Light of God fall between the blinds Satan erected in his heart, and I shall have my entire body reflect Gods will. Where he cannot hear the words of the Lord, I must convey them through the touch of my lips. But we must also remove the sins which have tainted his soul. So shall I be the sacred chalice into which he will confess and pour his sins. I will ensure that he resists temptations and that he will relieve every single sin in his being. If the devil blinding him renders him unwilling to submit to me, the humble servant of God, I will, through prayer, forcefully draw out every bit with all of my lips. Thus he shall open his mind and body to me, and cry the Lord’s name in rapture. I will then give unto him the teachings of the Lord. I will instruct him to open his heart to the Love and Kindness of the Almighty Creator.
Akiko: “A perfectly faithful plan, if I do say so myself. It may be necessary that we participate in the blessed sacrament of matrimony, so as to avoid the impurity of an extra-marital relationship. This is a completely unintended, unavoidable, consequence from walking the straight, narrow path of faith.”
Jinno: “Ah… Ehm…I understand you perfectly.”
Jinno: “Ah… Ehm…I don’t understand you no more.”
Akiko’s short outburst bamboozled Jinno-san. Well, yeah. After that epiphany, it was probably only natural to react like that.
Akiko: “So, leave the reforming to me.”
Jinno: “…Ehm, lemme ask you somewhat.”
Akiko: “Yes. What is it?”
Jinno: “You one of them hopeless bro-cons?”
Jinno: “Damn. You’s a crazy mothafucka.”
My little sissy be puffin up with pride.
Akiko: “A brother complex requires devotion rivaling even that of holy servants! Although it is written between the lines in the bible, this condition is a gift from the gods! I kneel and pray every day thanking God for the wonderful blessing he bestowed me when I prayerfully exited my mother’s canal.”
Jinno: “Ehm, so you wanna get sum, or…?”
Akiko: “Pardon me. I wish to ‘get some’?”
Jinno: “You want him to tap yo vajayjay?”
Akiko: “My sincerest apologies. I do not understand you.”
Akito: “Sissy, she askings is you desiring I rubbers the fertile canvas with virile paint.”
Akiko: “Oh, of course! I desire it so!”
Jinno-san looked at Akiko like a black women lookin at a white boy tryin to rap. And this white boy was confident in his skillz.
Yep. About now should be the right time.
Akito: “Come ons, honestest Akiko. Can no see that you’re too trouble Jinno-san? This enoughed the enough.”
Akiko: “Ah. Yes, My utmost apologies, dear brother. I was too passionate, and that was rude to our guest, who had traversed a great distance to visit us. Of course, Jesus traversed an even greater distance when he bore the cross of our sins.”
Akito: “Yep, please the more the cares full from the now the on. So, understanding have obtaining?”
Akiko: “Excuse me? Understand what?”
Akito: “That Jinno-san and I hadded mosts normaling relationship Titanic. Wasn’t that why I asked Jinno-san to come over in the firsting places?”
Akiko: “Ah, that is certainly true! It appears Jinno-san is among the minority of those with an excellent character!”
Akito: “I see. Glad be the dog.”
Seems like wasn’t able to explain everything, but… well, it’s fine.
But rather than my sister, I got more concern for our guest. Akiko aint’s leave the fondest impression, you hear? One time she gave a sermon about how the Virgin Mary conceived Jesus Christ, and at the end people were wonderin If the story of Mary’s virgin birth was made up cause she got knocked up before marriage and didn’t want no trouble.
Akito: “Eeehm, sorry, Jinno-san, sorry we stander arounder the hula talking. Please come on in inn for now. Akiko has prepared KFC and watermelon and sour and spicy and anger and Pluto and George Washington fresh tuna.”
Jinno: “The fuck is this?…The brother’s a sis-con, and the sister’s a bro-con… Fuck this shit, man…”
Jinno: “AH?! What you want, boy?!”
Akito: “It’s a little strangest to be chatting out in the here. Please come in Inn Inning. We’re being happy to hear your memories, or making some memories if you get my drift ;).”
Jinno: “Ah, yes. Yeah? Then excuse me for imposin on your kindness.”
She flashed a smile challenging me to whiten her teeth further, but her expression be stiff as my dick on a Saturday night. Stiff as the armor of a courageous knight.
Her impression of me hit rock bottom… Well, old fashioned missionary that hits her rock bottom outta fix that.